lay em down.

So where to start…this is just going to be a sort of outlet for me right now. All the things I wish I could say without being afraid of being judged.

I’ve grown a lot but I’m still the same.

Still insecure, still secretive, and still unsure. Now over and over again this secrecy comes off as me being fake, or pretentious, or snobby…but this is not how I want to come off.

I’m honestly just really shy, about everything with everyone. When I say I care about you, I do. Plain and simple, and sometimes I do say what people want to hear. Sometimes I smile even when I don’t get it, or nod when I’m listening to a story. This is not me being fucking fake and I’m sick of people taking it that way. I just like to listen to people, I really do. And sometimes I just don’t know what to say which people take as me not caring or not listening. Sometimes I restate the moral of the story, which comes off as me just wanting you to wrap it up THIS ALSO IS NOT THE CASE. It's just my own way of showing I was listening. I am very guarded, I’m not secretly laughing at you or thinking anything bad, AND IM NEVER ANNOYED! I just sometimes don’t have words.

I don’t like going out into groups because I always feel like the odd one out, which is fine with me because I would rather it be me than someone else BUT I would rather just not deal with it.

Oh and yeah I do think I’m smart, and I think I’m nice but I don’t think that I’m smarter or nicer than anyone else. I just am and I don’t understand why I can’t just BE.

People use to get mad at me for talking about people, so I’ve stop that and now people mock me for “not caring”. NO I very much care, so much that I don’t want to talk about someone who I will in fact be nice to within a week (I hold grudges, but I do forgive). Even me writing this is going to come off as a bitchy know it all who is pretentious. Which I don’t want to be labeled as, but if I’m going to be labeled than I might as well fucking do it up.

I am very sensitive and I only like a select few to be able to judge me for my character, not because I don't think you're "good enough" to judge me but because my feelings get hurt easily #baby.

I only want real friendships, I cant do these “on call” friendships. The way I see it everybody really REALLY in your life should know your good, your bad, and your secrets. If you’re not willing to share that with me, and you don’t want to hear mine then I don’t think I can be myself around you. (side note I feel guilty for even writing all this down #crazybitch).

I come off as a cold hearted, guarded bitch who thinks she’s knows it all….and to a certain extent that’s kind of right…I do 9 times out of 10 think I’m right until you prove me wrong but if you believe you’re righter than me I’m not gonna fight you(because I constantly avoid conflict and I don’t think I have any right to tell you you’re wrong, most the time I'm just telling you what I think).

Lately I feel like complete shit if I talk about ANYONE. Yeah and I’m sick of people fucking mocking me. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME TELL ME OR STOP HAVING ME COME AROUND….WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INVITING ME PLACES IF YOU THINK IM BORING OR PRETENTIOUS OR A “NON FACTOR”?? I’m just really getting fed up, me being nice has nothing to do with me being a punk. I am just not going to say anything about people who haven’t done anything wrong to me. so yeah vent to me all you want, no worries I wont tell the person but know if you do come to me then I’m going to come at it how I want; be that agreeing with you or not. And I’ll probably end with apologizing for how I think.

NO this isn’t so you will feel sorry for me and eventually agree, it’s because I don’t like CONFLICT. Shit. And yes I will put myself down, and I will make sarcastic remarks in conversation or mock something you just said but that’s just because I’m a bitter bitch from hell and I’m not good at communicating. #evil.

Now you might say “if you love so much why don’t you ever show emotion?” well because I don’t like to show my feelings. No, I don’t see others showing emotion as weakness but, sadly most of the time I make myself turn off my feelings. Yeah this isn’t cool, cute, or good but I can’t help it and as of right now I don’t care. I run from feelings or I turn them into a joke because I am incapable. I also tend to apologize when others cry, further putting my foot in my mouth, but I just am sincerely sorry when anyone is broken down to that point. I don’t like to see anyone sad.

Now also let me address another issue with how I am misread: yes I do care about everyone and yes I am nice to everyone; BUT I do like some more than others. Once again, probably coming off as pretentious but fuck it, you all think of me that way anyway. I care more for people who trust me with their feelings, if you keep it “on the surface” with me then I’m not gonna go any deeper with you. I, myself have a lot of baggage and problems. I like to get my way and what I want and I can be very hurtful when I’m hurt, but I know that if I want someone to love me I have to be willing to let them know that. I’m sorry but I’m not gonna share all my issues with you if you aren’t sharing yours with me. I’m not about that one sided shit. And if you don’t ask I’m gonna assume you don’t care, so no, it’s not me being a brat who judges everyone else, never letting anyone judge me. If you wanna know fucking ask, if you don’t then that’s cool too, but don’t get mad at me for not sharing. If you want me to share I will, I love for people to bring a new perspective to my way of thinking anyway.

Also when I apologize for not talking enough it’s not because I want to talk more it’s just because I probably just felt that you wanted me to say something and I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say.

Oh by theee way, I hope you all sit around and read this and laugh at me, then I’ve met my entertainment quota for the night. If you’ve read this far then something must’ve struck you anyway.

Another topic I want to address: me taking lots of webcam pictures. Like I said before please make fun of me, most the time I’m also laughing at myself. EVERYONE likes to feel pretty or handsome or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, when I put pictures up it’s not because I’m looking for people to “like” it or compliment me because half the time I could careless what people think I look like. I just like to be pretty sometimes. I’m well aware I am a larger girl with an egg head and nappy hair, I don’t need you to give me a reality check but if you do thank-a-youu! Actually half the time when I put a “good” picture up it’s for all you fuckers who made fun of me in middle school for being big and ugly and making me feel worthless for years. Oh and yes I can put myself down, and yes you can rag on me too I think its funny but I would rather not rag on you unless I’m also putting myself down.

In my head its kind of like a sinking ship; if you’re in the ship that’s sinking and you cant get out then I’ll fucking sink with you, but if I’m in the ship and you can get out by all means jump.

Another thing, sometimes I forget who knows/loves me, so I tend to be kind of flighty? It’s just because I don’t like to get too attached to people because when someone I know hurts me I’ll hold it against them until they apologize and truly mean it. And best believe I can see right through a bullshit apology. And though I come off like I don't know what people are thinking of me, I always catch everything. So if you've done me wrong, I most likely know and won't treat you the same until you fess up.

So basically this is what’s been pent up for a few months, and this is what’s wrong for those of you that do or don’t care. Muahhh bitches.